Hero of Delomar



  • No, this isnt a team story, no this isnt a chronicle. This is a sample chapter from an upcoming chron that ive finished brainstorming and have started to write. This clip will show a vast improvement over my last attempts at writing as well as (I hope) an intriguing storyline. Enjoy this teaser as I have enjoyed thinking it up. This is only a taste of what is to come. The chronicle itself should be ready in a week or so, depending on my mood and attitude towards typing vast amounts this week. Here we are, the chapter 'Hero of Delomar'.

    Another cold evening, after another dark and rainy day. The skies of gray poured forth all their misery at the few people who were on the road that day. Not many overall, all of the people were either nestled up in their cozy homes or at a local pub, laughing it up with their neighbors in the dim lighting of the fires and candles which lit such establishments. The majority of the people outside this evening were in transition from one end to the other, or vice versa. The workday wasnt to good as the sky swirled in misery over the various towns along the travelers path, pouring forth many gallons of rain onto anybody daring enough to step outside. Most people thought it to be a perfect day to take a break from their various daily tasks and stay at home with families, and visit the warm dens of their friends. Not the traveller.
    The dark stranger walked with a steady pace, not flinching at the closeness of the lightning, not shaking with the boom of thunder which filled his ears. The darkness which pervaded this one man was of such depth that, try as it might, the sky could not match. The perfect atmosphere for the man. The man was swathed in thick armors, which was padded somewhat by thick cloths under them. Though the weight must have been extreme, the man showed no sign of the weight of it whatsoever. It was as if the armor was a natural outcropping of his actual self. In the armor were visible slashes, dents, and chips from weapons that were used on him. The few people that saw the man this day shuddered at his appearance, as he looked as death himself must have when visiting wayward souls before they were taken to the afterlife. Many saw the cuts through the armor, and the scabs left behind from them. People were drawn to his presence, but put off immediately at his ragged appearance. It did not help him one bit that the blood of his enemies still appeared all over his dark armor, despite the heavy rains. Also what did not help him was the rather large load he dragged behind himself. The lumpish object had a vague appearance of a man, though it was not completely clear due to the amount of fabrics and fasteners attached to the object.
    It was a small town which the man stopped and sat down for a brief moment. He looked back and forth at the various buildings of the township and spotted a rather large cathedral in the forest slightly west of it. In a path that took him off the brick road, the man cursed as he sank slightly into the mud, further mucking up his appearance and adding more weight to his already large load. The trees were large and strong, and for a brief moment, the man though of setting up a small camp and using the wood from one of these trees to build a small fire. He tripped over the idea for a few moments and banished the idea, as he was so close to proper lodgings that he would not need to set up camp. 'Damn survival instincts, kicking in too soon' the man swore as he mucked his way up to the large cathedral.
    Looking straight up, the hood over the man's head dropped back, revealing dark brown hair, caked with sweat, blood, and rain all mixed together. He looked up and saw, through the clouds, the bright moon shining. Though not much was in his favor, a small smile appeared on his lips, and his shoulders slightly slumped down. Adjusting his head back down, he saw two massive wooden doors with a knocker shaped like a lion's head. Knocking on the door a few times, the man turned back to look at the object he had been dragging along. "Letruo, my friend, though the days remain miserable, we are 1 step closer to your revival. Just hold out a bit longer"

    -----

    The head priest was almost stunned by the sudden loud knocking at the main doors. Though it wasnt uncommon for men or women to come on days of bad weather or on days they dont need to be there, it was uncommon for them to come in the evening of a day of such terrible weather. The other priests were convening in their meeting room, discussing anything from recent sermons to the normal gibberish heard on the streets everyday. Though they werent mandated to speak of religion at every possible occasion, it was still somewhat eerie hearing a priest sound like your average townsfolk.
    They are just bored. The lights are dim and the sky is black, meaning nobody is expected tonight, so they are relaxed. Ill let them be, it wouldnt be fitting to ruin the few moments they have free by demanding them to speak of the lord the head priest thought. HIs mind soon wandered to the thought of leaving this place, of learning some of the holy magics taught in more populated areas. He had some of his own, but none were nearly as powerful as some of the more well known spells.

    After just a few seconds of traveling from his office to the doors, the head priest focused his mind and opened the massive door to the person who knocked. What he saw almost tore him apart to his very core. A dark man, dragging behind him a body where the soul seemed well preserved, though the body itself was dead. This certainly seemed more than he bargained for, but he was a gentleman if nothing else, so he may as well get information the normal way.

    "Greetings stranger, to the church of Relnathor. You look tired and, with no offence meant, torn up. Is there any way we can be of service to you?"

    The dark man gazed into the priest's eyes.

    "Yes, my friend. You can help me." the man responded "If you could heal me up, and help my friend out here in whatever way you can, Id be very willing to give you a few items that ive obtained on my travels, as well as whatever donations you may request to your church"

    Stunned by the dark grey eyes, the priest had nothing to say immediately. He felt like he was being analyzed right on the spot, that his soul itself was being looked over. Something about this man unnerved him, though he felt no malice in this man's presence.

    "We shall help you in every way possible, my friend" the priest replied, making sure to give a solid look back into the eyes of this visitor "Though I would appreciate a name, if you have one"

    "Hah." the man barked out with a stream of semi-gruff laughs "Im sorry, my mirth comes from the fact that in many of the circles Ive been around in, im almost a legend of theirs" the man wiped a bit of mud off his face, leaving streaks of mud across where his fingers wiped "My name is Desert Fox, DF for short"

    -------

    "So, Brenul, thanks a lot for the healing and all, but is there any way that you can preserve his soul better than I could?" DF asked of the head priest

    "Yes, in fact, I know of a nearby town, well, a sort of nearby town, that can revive him. My magics arent too strong, as ive not travelled much in my life" Brenul answered "Despite the fact that Melgore is where I became a priest, ive lived in this town my entire life"

    "An entire life in one place. Must have been hard" DF said, anticipating a responce

    "At times, though most times this is a place of peace. Fact is, most of the danger and action you will find are many many miles from here, off in lands that I may never see in my life" Brenul depressingly responded "It would be intruiging to fight in one of the major battles that ive heard so much of from the many armies as they marched through Melgore or any of the other area towns"

    "War is never fun." DF quickly retorted "Death is something nobody ever wants to see without being immune to it, and nobody ever wants to be immune to it because of what it can do to a person."

    This was followed by a long, akward silence.

    "Well, we have a few pieces of casual clothing and a good washbasin for you to wash your clothing, as it appears as if the wear and tear youve been going through could definately do with being scrubbed out" Brenul said as he stood up "As well as basins for you to clean up and wash your armor in, if you do that sort of thing. If you need polish for the armor, we do have some, but we would appreciate it if you used your own. Mealtime is in 2 hours. Oh yea, room 3 on the left side, thats the room where all this is available. Sleeping location will be given to you in a bit."

    With that, Brenul left DF alone in the small office. DF looked around at the random objects collected in there. The many scrolls, and ledgers that surrounded the desk. There were many many papers around which seemed to be of daily events and overall memoirs of every day. Picking up one paper, dated about a week previous, DF read 'The dark presence that has been growing in my mind flared up earlier today, but soon after died off completely. There is no explaination for this at this point in time, though I hope to one day learn why I felt it'. DF was almost stunned by this. After reading the paper, DF gathered himself up and walked over to the room where he could clean up. In his trip, he saw Letruo's lifeless body being worked over with spells to prolonge the corpse's existance and to prevent decay and rot. The more magic that was released now, the less that would be needed later. With no furthur thinking, DF went into the third room on the left, and got ready for the cleaning he was about to start.

    ----

    DF was relaxing in the moderately warm water he was washing in. How the priests did it, DF could somewhat imagine, though he never really understood why one wanted warm water while washing until now. His many physical wounds were healed over, though he was battling a very psychological one at the present moment. Suddenly, DF started seeing it again....

    ----

    The cold howl of the wind was nothing compared to the stench. Lightning drove itself down into anything. Surges of enemy troops were charging him, Letruo, and Durak. He saw Durak casting spell after spell, Letruo splitting holes into enemy formations with his enormous sword. DF himself had been sending massive shadow slashes, killing off tons of enemies at once. Then the nightmare starts DF silently thought, the memories coming faster and harder. Durak taking magical blasts. Letruo having his throat slit. Durak healing Letruo, only to have his body disintigrated. Then he remembered the full bloodlust effect, mixing with the torment and pain of losing a friend. Letruo standing and screaming a cry of pain of his own, killing massive swathes of enemies before being impaled with a spear. Enemies charging in. DF saw his own skin turn the darkest black, and his eyes feel the purest light. Then a rush of memories flashed by too quickly. The ones who had been captured released, the armies destroyed, leaning over his friends' bodies and screaming in utter torment. The flood of memories came in and destroyed DFs strongest defenses and he wept to himself, silently living the torment which plagued him

    ---

    An hour later, the head priest walked in on DF in the room, fully clothed with the clothes spared to him as he polished the damaged armor.

    "Thanks Brenul, youve helped me more than you can imagine" DF said, his eyes as cold as steel "By any chance do you know if there is a good blacksmith in this town, or in a nearby town, my armor could use some repair" DF asked, as he glanced down at his armor which was, in fact, broken in several places
    "Yes, in fact, there is an exceptional one over in Melgore. If you want, Ive got leave in 3 days and could lead you there myself. Im taking off for an adventure of my own and want to learn some more magic at Melgore before I head off completely" Brenul responded, with a smug grin
    "Good to hear, my friend" DF quickly answered
    "Its time for the evening meal, come and let us feast" Brenul's voice boomed, making DF smile again that night.

    end of chapter one. Tell me what you think. Is this a good prologue to my story, which isnt completely about this, but it does give a retrospect view of the end of 'The Tyrant's Ring' as well as bring in some other ideas ive been having recently. Responces would be appreciated, thanks.

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    We were the first political party to advocate renaming the Washington Monument the Big Stone U.S. Penis and putting big, orange foam testicles at the bottom.



  • Hmm, 11 views and no replys? Is it that bad?

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    We were the first political party to advocate renaming the Washington Monument the Big Stone U.S. Penis and putting big, orange foam testicles at the bottom.



  • I like it a lot tell me when you make the rest becase i would like to read it.

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    Yummy! My moldy, crunchy, mouth-watering... drools frruuuiitt cakkeee...



  • Quote

    Originally posted by Pippin 3:
    **I like it a lot tell me when you make the rest becase i would like to read it.

    **

    That I will do, as this was to get opinions and such. Anything I should focus on improving? I know detail kind of slacked off near the end, but it happens sometimes with me, due to the trouble it takes to type and think for 3 hours. Even in this I wanted more detail from myself, to describe the drab colors of the walls, the intricuit patterns of colored glass and stone set, the rows of pews and their wonderous patterns, depicting the many verses of the cytheran religion carved into red oak, which was rarely seen in that part of the land. The floor itself could have been described and I felt the description of the head priest's office to be somewhat lacking in description. I could get a feel for the desk and the meticulousness of the priest himself, but not of the entire room, which was decorated by the various drawings of the townfolk, from the pictures of mighty dragons, to other pictures of vast forces marching on to some bloody battles. The scenes were of noble acts and holy deeds, which would greatly have improved upon the priest's persona some with his wistful dream to adventure around and get a feel for life. Overall, this feels like the first draft it is, and is done fairly well. But I would like more opinions. What did you like, what should I improve on? Is there anything I should back up some and let slide? Id like to know so I can follow these quite closely when Im making the story, which ive got a few pages done. Thanks.

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    We were the first political party to advocate renaming the Washington Monument the Big Stone U.S. Penis and putting big, orange foam testicles at the bottom.



  • A week goes by, 46 people look at it, 1 person responds to it.

    /me shakes head and wanders off

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    We were the first political party to advocate renaming the Washington Monument the Big Stone U.S. Penis and putting big, orange foam testicles at the bottom.



  • Hmm, well the first thing I noticed, and I know its a lame beginning for a critique, is that your grammar and spelling need some work. Don't just use your spell checker, go back and edit it manually. A lot of those words and phrases the checker won't pick up, because they are spelled correctly, they're just the wrong word due to several missing or mistyped letters.

    Anyway, about the detail...well, it depends. It sounds like you're about to leave the building and not return anytime soon. If that is the case, or if the building serves only a small part in the story (and you're not going to refer back to any details as the plot unfolds) then the level of detail you have for it is fine now, you'll overdo it if you add more. However, if the setting is crucial to the rest of the story, more detail is probably a good idea, but don't overdo it. You can give a really long and detailed description, but then it becomes tedious to read as people start spending hours learning how the fourth pier on the right side has an engraving shaped like a teardrop about halfway into it, and such. (okay, exaggerated example, but you get the idea - unnecessary details are just that, unnecessary)

    And your memory scene could use a bit of improvement. I know I'm one to speak about having three people hold off an entire army, but still... Perhaps refine the detail and description here a bit, it sounds like this is one of the more crucial parts of that segment, and one of the ones that needs the most work.

    Otherwise you're off to a pretty good start.

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    "There is a time and a place for everything."

    (This message has been edited by Avatara (edited 01-26-2003).)


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