Evil Christmas?!

  • Entry for worst story ever.

    A bright red hat ringed in white sat lazily on a demon’s head. A fluffy bunny-tail ball swayed between the black horns that gave the demon his name. He wore a green vest and curled shoes with jingly bells on the tips and watched over the other demons, dressed in similar fashion, toiling away in their underground workshop. Hammers and saws hacked away at trees kidnapped from Cademia’s nearby forest and sculpted the most evil and black hearted of furnishings. With a sigh and a sharp breath he blew the fluff ball out of his face, “Why are we doing this?” he asked the shadowy figure standing beside him.

    “Why Blackhorn? Why you ask?” The figure replied malevolently.

    “Yes Rythan, why?”

    “Ahem” he cleared his throat, “SantaRythan.”

    “Excuse me?”


    “Bless you.”

    “No!” SantaRythan waved his arms angrily, showing off the red and white robes he sported, ”You will call me, Santa-Rythan, for that is now my name! Mwahahahahaha!”

    “Fine.” the demon rolled his eyes, “But what’s the deal with this? I thought your last plan was better. I mean, demon zombies who don’t die. That was creepy. But demon furniture? I dunno, this feels like a step down.”

    “Nonsense. My Dark Lord believes Cythera is ripe for Evil Christmas! The holiday where you get gifts you don’t want from people you don’t like, and then they eat you!”

    “Wait, we’re going to eat them? You’re not paying me enough for that.”

    “What? No. That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. The gifts are going to eat them.”

    “The furniture?”

    Demon furniture Blackhorn. And yes, that is how I see this going down.”

    “Aren’t we talking about the heroes of Cythera and the villains/anti-heroes of alternate Cythera. I’m pretty sure they’ve faced worse than angry night tables.”

    “Ha! Oh ye of little faith. It is precisely because they’ve overcome great enemies that they will never suspect their furnishings to be their undoing. It is the perfect plan!”

    “I just didn’t expect to go from mercenary to manager of evil Ikea, but whatever you say boss.” The demon looked over the assembly line of his people, “Hey, didn’t everybody here go on strike? And/or die?”

    “You ask a lot of questions for an underling.” SantaRythan shook his head, “Just make sure no one eats more glue.”

    “Where are you going?”

    “To consult with my Dark Lord.”

    SantaRythan left it at that, going over to his whispering pool to talk with his invisible friends, “Nutjob.” Blackhorn muttered.

    “I love those candy bars!”

    “Shut it Athes.” Blackhorn growled.

    Meanwhile in a classroom at Pynx...

    “Thank you all for coming. I am very excited to see you all here today.” Selax drones monotonously into a microphone, “As you know, much has happened on the island recently. The land king is sick. The judge’s castle was half demolished. We have evil doppelgangers roaming the streets. And, perhaps most terrible of all, BreadWorldMercy has still not posted here, I for one--” Wizard covers the microphone with his hand and speaks insistently to his friend. Very few words are caught by the class, “ whisper whisper... fourth-wall... mumble mumble... yogurt.. hush hush get jiggy wit it. ” Selax nods his understanding and the two fist pound before he carries on, “Forget that last bit. In any case it occurred to Wizard and I that many of you have not received formal education. Education which could have obviously prevented every one of our recent catastrophes. So after receiving special permissions from Pynx we have half converted the Academy into a highschool and cast spells to turn each of you back into teenagers. Now I will stop interrupting your lesson and let professor Raperian continue instructing the class.”

    “Thank you, Wind bag.” the black mage mock saluted as the elemental and Wizard left the room. He turned back to the class, “Now where were we?” he noticed a student raising his hand, “Ah, you there, boy whose name I can’t be bothered to remember, what is it?”

    Talos shifted uncomfortably in a seat not made for fully armored guys of his size and cast nervous glances to the student next to him, “ Sir, you set one of my classmate’s clothes on fire last period.”

    Raperian squinted against the metallic gleam of Talos’s braces, “And?”

    “And he’s still on fire sir.” Talos watched as cotton embers swirled passed him.

    And? Where are we going with this?” Raperian asked, confused.

    “And shouldn’t we do something about it, sir?” Katerei had taken the initiative earlier by trying to put the youth out with water. Now she sat in the back of the class wearing a cone hat and glowering at a corner of the wall.

    “You’re absolutely right, whatever your name is.”


    “I don’t care. But anyway, yes you’re right. The fire is making it pretty hot in here so can someone crack a window?” Silverfish opened a window, thus fulfilling his action quota for the rest of the story. At the same time Raperian handed out work sheets to the class, “I’d like each of you to finish these fifty question quizzes in the next ten minutes, starting four minutes ago. If you cheat I will light you on fire. This quiz is worth 135% of your grade so if you fail it I will also light on you fire.”

    At the back of the class Yomu concentrated hard on doing his work, but an insistent voice kept calling to him, “ Psst. Hey, hey mouse.”

    “Stop.” he hissed back at the voice, “You’re going to get me in trouble again.”

    “... okay mouse, riddle me this. If I was really going to get you in trouble would I warn you about how everything you know and love isn’t real? Your friends aren’t who they say they are! Also, the cake is a lie!”

    “No!” Yomu gasped, turning to face the class pet, Firecat, “Not the cake!”

    “Yes little mouse, the cake.”

    “Yomu?” Raperian, who was suddenly standing behind Yomu, tapped his foot impatiently, “Exactly what is so exciting that you’ve chosen to ignore your work?”

    “It, uh, I. No he,” Yomu stammered and pointed to the class pet, “He’s talking to me!”

    Raperian arched an eyebrow and turned on the cat who replied, “Meow.”

    The mage shook his head, “You’re either lying or insane. Either way you can stay your crazy ass in detention, merry christmas.”

    “... you need to look on the bright side.” Talos explained to his still smoking classmate while they walked down the hall, “And probably see the school nurse about those burns.”

    Clothes still well charred, a lanky young Shanadar glared at him, “I’m not going to bother Moonshadow with this, especially with all the other students that had to see her today.” he growled, “Cythera is in chaos, we’ve all decided to take a break for school, and Raperian’s in charge here! What exactly is the bright side?”

    “It’s almost Christmas?” Katerei said as she drew up next to them. She struggled to keep pace in the hand-me-down clothes given to her by elder siblings. She snatched the cone hat off her head and crumbled it in her hands.

    “Yes it is.” Shanadar conceded, “But at this rate, not only will Cythera’s christmas be ruined by those villains but even if it isn’t do you really think Raperian will let us go for the Christmas break? This is his chance to make all of us miserable.”

    “So what are we supposed to do?” Talos asked.

    As they stepped out of Pynx a girl in a shredded denim tunic with dark make-up and light blue skin met them at the entrance, “You just skip school.”

    Katerei gasped, “Gasp! Evil me, what are you doing here?!”

    “I’m not evil,” Evil Kat corrected, “Just considerably more badass.”

    “”You have some sort of plan?” Shanadar asked.

    “Not me Smokey.” Evil Kat answered, “Stop narrating me as Evil.” she groaned. Evil, uh, bad Kat? “Meh, that’s fine.” Ok, bad Kat continued, “But I know someone who does.”

    “Who?” Talos wondered aloud.

    Just then a black unicorn (not the classic unicorn but this big ugly six-legged-horse-toad-cythera-monster-unicorn) charged up to them and from its back leapt a rider. The man had a black leather jacket, spiked gloves, combat boots, and a motorcycle helmet. The helmet had a design of a skull smoking a cigarette on it. When he took it off he happened to be smoking that very same kind of cigarette, “Evil Avatara!” The group said in unison. Except for Talos, who had never seen this man before in his life.

    “Not Evil.” he said gruffly, “Just apathetic.”

    “So, do you have a plan then?” Shanadar asked.

    “I have a plan to kill Selax.” he took a long drag and blew a puff of smoke in the shape of him cutting the elemental in half, “And as long as you don’t get in my way I don’t care what you do.”

    “You’re so cool.” bad Kat gushed.

    “Meh.” he replied, “If you guys are coming then let’s go.”

    Seralcard sat there, paralyzed by his choices, “No matter what I do it all falls apart.” he lamented, “I’ve seen every outcome from here. There’s nothing I can do. But, maybe if I went back one more time--”

    “I told you to stop cheating!” Krys yelled angrily from across the table, “Just make your move already.”

    Sweat trickling from his brow Seralcard reached forward to try his hand at the puzzle and-- Crash! Scatter! The whole tower collapsed.

    “Jenga!” Krys cheered giddily as the blocks tumbled to the ground, “That’s three games in a row, take that Time-Travel!”

    “One more game.” Seralcard challenged, “I know I can get it right this time.”

    “Don’t you have other things to do?” Krys asked.


    “Like, I dunno, save your world. Aren’t there three apocalypses going on at the same time right now? If you don’t get things moving forget about having a bad christmas, there won’t be a christmas at all this year!”

    “Oh, well I’m sure the others can handle it by themselves.”

    “Seral.” she said tesily.


    “No buts!” she cut in, “You need to go out there and put all those guys on the naughty list, you know, be heroic and stuff.”

    “I guess I should, but how? This crazy bracelet isn’t never does what I need.” he gave nightmare a tap with his knuckle, “How do you save christmas with evil jewelry?”

    Just then nightmare started flashing angrily and with an explosion of power a swirling blue vortex opened in the room. The table, chairs, and jenga blocks started flying all around them until the a single shadowy image could be seen in the screaming void, “This isn’t William’s bar.” the figure remarked in confusion.

    “Who are you?” Seralcard demanded, “Have you come to teach me how to save christmas?”

    “What?!” yelled the voice. The vortex retreated leaving echoes of thunder and in its place stood a... Ninja. He cupped his hands over his ears and winced, “Ow. Seriously, what did you say, that was really loud.”

    “Uh.” Krys started in, “I guess we could start with the who are you and work on it from there?”

    “Oh, right.” The stranger replied, “My name’s Wyn. Falcon Thadeus Wyn.”

    “Can you teach me to save Christmas?” Seralcard asked hopefully.

    Wyn looked at his watch, “Yea sure, I’ve got some time. We’re gunna need a montage though.” And so they had one. Which I didn’t narrate.

    In the throne room of the judge’s castle, minus debris which had already been cleared but plus the stylish new sun roof, a cage hung from a heavy chain attached to the glass ceiling. Inside that cage was a turtle. Kain poked the turtle with a stick, for the fifth time in half as many minutes, “I’m going to make you into soup.” he laughed maniacally.

    Jacob sighed, “Can you just leave that poor thing alone already?”

    “What, I’m not bothering anybody.”

    “Because it’s part of Selax’s master plan and I don’t want you screwing things up around here.” he snapped, “Again.” he added for extra emphasis.

    “Leave me alone, I’m not going to mess it up.”

    Jacob snatched the stick away from Kain and broke it over the man’s head, “See, this is why I can’t take you anywhere. No sit down and shut up.”

    While Jacob reprimanded Kain, Ral watched over a last minute delivery of furniture from an especially massive set of guards. Their armor looked comically small on their muscular frames. Something was off, but the mage just couldn’t put his finger on it. One of them was carrying a large table and, to Ral’s shock, seemed to have red skin and horns, “Is that you Steve? Where did those horns come from?”

    The guard looked down at him in confusion, “Shouldn’t you be tied up down in the caves?”


    “Uh, nothing! Yea, it’s just me, good old Steve.” he laughed nervously and revealed horribly sharp teeth, “About the horns I, uh, I fell. Bumped my head.”

    “Oh... you seem a little bigger than I remember...”

    “Been, uh, working out.” The guard replied.

    “And that red skin...”

    “Sun burn!” the guard cut in hastily, setting down the table he brought.

    Ral wanted to interrogate the sharp toothed guard further, especially about those coal-black eyes, but the big man muttered a few apologies and rushed off with the others. The mage shook his head, “Steve needs to get more sleep I think.” He looked around at the furniture. The additions had turned the throne room into a very comfortable looking lounge.

    Evil Selax swept into the room. He differentiated himself from the real Selax by... well... Okay for all I know it’s the same guy. Point is he walks in followed by a pair of servants, “Good work on the room.” He compliments the present Hand members. His servants place a covered platter on the table in the middle of the room, “My favorite.” he drones monotonously, “Mushroom Steak.” one of the servants lifts the cover and a foul smell escapes. The steak beneath has a queasy green tinge, “Oh no.” Selax says in disappointment that is in no way reflected in his voice, “The steak is ruined. How old is this?”

    The servants begin apologizing profusely as Evil Wizard walks in, “Good work with the furniture.” he compliments the Hand, “Nice touch. My plan to have Christmas dinner in the Judge’s throne room of this Cythera is almost complete!”

    Ral turned to him, “I thought you sent this stuff in.”

    “Huh?” the Master cut his evil celebration short, “No, why would I? Maybe Selax?” but the elemental was too distraught to do more than shake his head. The Master mused over it, “If it wasn’t us than who could it have been, I--”

    “It’s over evil copies of us!” Good Wizard yelled as he burst into the room backed by Cytheras heroes. Everyone was in attendance, both Katerei’s. Talos, Silverfish, Beorn, Yomu, two Raperians, Good Selax, Moonshadow, the entire cast of Friends, Shanadar, a bunch of other people whose names I’ve either forgotten or can’t be bothered to spell correctly! The only absences that the heroes/villains noticed were Andru, Avatara, Scry, and Retsy.

    Taken by surprise the powerful yet outnumbered villains knocked over furniture for cover and banded together as the heroes took battle stances and the frightened turtle looked on at a battle that would surely decide its fate. A howling wind blasted through the hall and in barged a black clad swordsman, “Aha!” he yelled in triumph, “You have all fallen right into my hands!”

    Everyone stared at the newcomer. Talos nudged Shanadar, “Who’s the wierdo?”

    The enforcer shrugged, “No godly idea. You guys?” he asked the villains opposite him.

    They exchanged puzzled looks. Finally the Master said, “Not a clue.”

    “W-what?” the young man stammered, “Don’t you recognize me? It’s Galahad.” The Master stared at him with a blank expression, “I’m one of your biggest enemies!”

    “Not ringing any bells kid.”

    “Raaargh!” Galahad roared in frustration, “Fine, it doesn’t matter. Attack my minions!” The doors burst open and the big guards revealed that they were actually regular sized demons in disguise. A big battle was about to rage when--

    “Stop fighting!” Andru called from the entrance to the hall. The infamous Scry stood beside him, holding his hand, “Can’t we all just get along?”

    “Scry!” The Master yelled, “What’s the meaning of this?”

    “Oh Master! He’s such a darling. I found him wandering the castle in a daze and when he realized I was blind he offered me his cane despite his condition.” She sighed, “It was love at first sight. Er, love at first awkward conversation.” she amended.

    “It’s true!” Andru assured his friends, “We don’t have to be enemies. Our love can overcome any hatred, what do you say? Didn’t you all notice that it took so long to write this it’s already Christmas eve? Why don’t we all sit down to have a nice dinner?”

    Moved by Andru’s speech and the love he and Scry shared the three groups decided they would set aside their differences and eat. Then the furniture attacked. Desks screeched to life and tackled people to the ground. A great bookcase snarled with wooden teeth and tried to eat Kain. A table lunged at Talos and he cut it in half but then he had to watch in horror as the two halves reformed into evil chairs! All across the throne room people battled furnishings but whenever they were smashed they simply became smaller furniture or the pieces gathered to become monstrously larger things. Like the dreaded armoire of doom! Heroes, villains, and demons alike were pushed to their limits by the furniture and it seemed that soon all hope would be lost.

    Deep in the underground workshop SantaRythan stared into his pool and saw the events unfolding in the Judge’s throne room. He laughed maliciously and spoke to a voice only he could truly hear, “Yes Dark Lord, it is almost done. When the Heroes lose this battle to our gifts it will truly be Evil Christmas!”

    “I hate to interrupt.” came a voice from behind.

    SantaRythan whirled around, “Avatara! How?!”

    Smoke drifted out of his motorcycle helmet as he spoke, “I had a little help.” Seralcard and Wyn flanked him at either side, “It’s over SantaRythan, no one gets to kill Evil Selax but me.”

    “Nonsense! I will destroy you this time!”

    “You can’t.” Avatara countered, “Because like last time I know your secret. Your master, the true wellspring of evil that birthed creation and seeks to one day consume it again, is none other than this world’s Retsy!” he pointed dramatically at the pool.

    “Oh noes he remembered!” SantaRythan panicked.

    Retsy stepped out of the pool with the goggles and snorkel she wore to stay under so long, “You found me.”

    “The ancient laws of hide and seek can’t be defeated.” SantaRythan lamented.

    “You win again fair and square.” Retsy told Avatara, “But we should probably head to the judges castle and stop the evil furniture.”

    The five of them use a little known hidden passage that takes them right to the action super quick. Immediately they lend their strength to the fight. It wasn’t easy but after untold amounts of splinters they grind all the furniture down to saw dust, Kain sets it on fire, and Seralcard traps the ashes somewhere in the void of time and space. But when all the fighting is done Avatara stares down Evil Selax, “There’s still one piece of unfinished business.”

    “You still wish to kill me?” the elemental asks.

    “Yes...” Avatara replies slowly, “I want to kill you with kindness!” he pulls a present out from behind his back.

    Evil Selax accepts it, unwrapping the gift to find a few very large, fresh mushroom steaks, “Wow.” he says emotionlessly, “This is exactly what I wanted, I’m so happy. Hey, there’s still time, why don’t we all have Christmas eve dinner together!” And so they did


    The turtle is set free at a nearby beach where he grows old, starts a family, and never has any clue why he was in that cage to begin with. He eventually wrote a book about the whole thing but it was only read by a pair of rat lizards who immediately regretted learning to read.The strange Ninja, Wyn is returned where he came from. Everyone lives happily ever after. Except Evil Selax because Avatara actually said, “I want to kill you with kindness and poison!” Luckily it only worked on Evil wind Elementals so he was the only casualty. The End.

    This post has been edited by Ragnar0k : 30 January 2011 - 03:28 PM

  • performs his comment quota for this posting

  • Thank you for writing this Valy, it was most entertaining! ^_^ How can a story fit all the qualifications of a bad story & still be awesome? hmm...

  • That was epic. I suppose you could argue that the furniture wasn’t really sentient, but it was still awesome(ly bad).

  • As always, excellent writing, Ragnar0k :) . (Well, except for the part where you killed my character :p .)

    I particularly enjoyed your writing of Rapierian and the manner in which both Selax's expressed all their emotions without expressing them (e.g. "says in disappointment that is in no way reflected in his voice").

    Hmm, if I ever get a chance to reply to this, I'll have to find some way to kill off Rythan...

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