Sail (Viirelei's Cut)



  • a Cythera novel

    Something something April chron people not believing I'm still working on Sail something something have some reworked scenes. I'm only posting ones with significant revisions, so there are gaps between them.

    (scrubbed)

    This post has been edited by iKaterei : 14 December 2015 - 06:52 AM



  • (scrubbed)

    This post has been edited by iKaterei : 14 December 2015 - 06:52 AM



  • (scrubbed)

    This post has been edited by iKaterei : 14 December 2015 - 06:52 AM



  • (scrubbed)

    This post has been edited by iKaterei : 14 December 2015 - 06:53 AM



  • I'm starting back at the beginning and re-reading Sail with all your revisions ^_ __^ I don't think I ever read the revised first-several-chapters that you posted a couple of months ago : __( Sorry! Anyway, I've just read the latest version of chapter 1, and I thought I'd try to post my thoughts here as I go along so that I don't forget them! ^ ___^

    I like the chapter ^ ****^ I think the first chapter is hard because you have to introduce so many concepts & people at once. I think your new version has smoother introductions, and it feels like the stuff that new readers don't understand yet wouldn't be too distracting (then again, I'm already familiar with the story and have my notes handy, so I'm probably not a good judge). I'm really impressed, I didn't know how you could set everything up without the reader feeling either totally lost or info-bombarbed @@ The only part that confused me was when K told Fendul she wanted to leave their tribe and see the rest of her family - for a second I thought that she wanted to die and join her parents in the aeldu-yan, but in the next line it became obvious that she wanted to go see her cousins in Toel Ginu - which she already said. I don't know why that confused me :x

    Edit: Now I've read chapter two! I forgot about that old smokehouse and weapon cache. Also, Chompy is so cool ^_ _^ I wonder if there will be any more sea monsters in this series? I noticed that when Kateiko said "kaid" there was an explanation for what it meant (must be part of the profanity you spent a day inventing! ^ __^), but she had already used it in chapter 1. Maybe that's intentional. I think sometimes authors like to explain things the second or third time they mention them instead of the first time. Better effect? I dunno @_@

    This post has been edited by BreadWorldMercy453 : 15 April 2015 - 02:00 PM



  • @breadworldmercy453_bot, on 15 April 2015 - 11:25 AM, said in Sail (Viirelei's Cut):

    I'm starting back at the beginning and re-reading Sail with all your revisions ^_ __^ I don't think I ever read the revised first-several-chapters that you posted a couple of months ago : __( Sorry!

    That's fine. Probably better this way because I made so many changes to the first quarter since then. :)

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    I think the first chapter is hard because you have to introduce so many concepts & people at once. I think your new version has smoother introductions, and it feels like the stuff that new readers don't understand yet wouldn't be too distracting

    Phew!

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    The only part that confused me was when K told Fendul she wanted to leave their tribe and see the rest of her family - for a second I thought that she wanted to die and join her parents in the aeldu-yan, but in the next line it became obvious that she wanted to go see her cousins in Toel Ginu - which she already said.

    Eep. I hope no one else interprets it that way. She's not meant to be that miserable!

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    Also, Chompy is so cool ^_ __^ I wonder if there will be any more sea monsters in this series?

    I definitely want to bring Chompy back sometime, I'm just not sure when. :)

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    I noticed that when Kateiko said "kaid" there was an explanation for what it meant (must be part of the profanity you spent a day inventing! ^_ __^), but she had already used it in chapter 1. Maybe that's intentional.

    Yeah, it fit the pacing better to introduce it later on. The first time is more of an action scene, so it'd slow down the action to stop and explain terminology.



  • Through chapter four ^_ __^ I only just realized - was Kako pulling water from the alternate dimension, in the wasteland? You can do that? : __o



  • Yes and yes! It's described much later in the book as being like a sponge, pulling water through a barrier without actually breaking anything.



  • I'm on chapter 7 now. Everything looks great to me ^_ __^ Except that I was very misfortunate in my timing in that I was eating dinner when Kako mentioned rubbing animal brains on her animal skins :x maybe too much information...



  • Sorry. :x I debated whether I should include that, but then I remembered how much stuff like that I learned from reading books as a kid. it'd be neat if people learned something from reading my book.



  • "See kids, this is how you should NOT treat the people that give you first aid."



  • What, telling a super-powerful air spirit to kill them?



  • Or letting them hang out their laundry in an area prone to windstorms.



  • I'm on chapter 13 now. Sorry that it's taking me so long, & that I keep forgetting to post my comments :x But most of them just amount to "nicely written" or "well done" anyway. I am continually impressed by the story-weaving in this book ^ ****_^ A few specific comments that I can remember:
    -I like how the revision makes it more clear why the Council is bugging Tiernan specifically.
    -The fires are beautiful, but killing trees still seems like a high price to pay to contact the aeldu-yan.
    -I never expect magic to make much sense, so I'm not particularly bothered if there's no explanation, but I'm curious how Kako can use water-calling to change the temperature of water.



  • @breadworldmercy453_bot, on 29 April 2015 - 10:24 AM, said in Sail (Viirelei's Cut):

    I'm on chapter 13 now. Sorry that it's taking me so long, & that I keep forgetting to post my comments :x

    There's no rush; I probably won't have anything new for awhile anyway.

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    I am continually impressed by the story-weaving in this book ^ ****_^

    I do feel like I'm weaving sometimes. Glad it's paying off. :)

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    I like how the revision makes it more clear why the Council is bugging Tiernan specifically.

    Yeah, it's kind of amazing how many issues were fixed by adding in the Crieknaast chapter, and just expanding out some other scenes. I also changed it so that later when Kako talks to Parr, he mentions something else instead of asking about Tiernan yet again.

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    The fires are beautiful, but killing trees still seems like a high price to pay to contact the aeldu-yan.

    Is it much worse than cutting down trees to make torches? I mean, there's snow everywhere and they put out the fires after, so they're not in danger of starting a forest fire.

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    I never expect magic to make much sense, so I'm not particularly bothered if there's no explanation, but I'm curious how Kako can use water-calling to change the temperature of water.

    The explanation depends on how much you and I both remember of high school chemistry. :> It essentially boils down (pun intended) to 'mechanical work produces heat,' like how rubbing your hands together makes them warm. When Kako calls water, she's moving a large group of molecules at once. Making them move very quickly at a short distance (basically vibrating) produces heat which warms up the water.

    That's also how she can create steam and ice - the change from solid to liquid to gas is dependent on how quickly the molecules are moving and whether they can escape each other.

    Of course, one of our more science-inclined members can correct me if I got that all wrong.



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    There's no rush; I probably won't have anything new for awhile anyway.

    : __( Why not?

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    Is it much worse than cutting down trees to make torches? I mean, there's snow everywhere and they put out the fires after, so they're not in danger of starting a forest fire.

    My initial reaction was just "they're burning a tree to communicate with someone they're not sure exists?" But, maybe my perspective would be different if I (still) lived in a forest. I do really like the scene ^_ __^ I think the first time I read it, it was when I thought Kako must be a bit smitten.

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    The explanation depends on how much you and I both remember of high school chemistry. :> It essentially boils down (pun intended) to 'mechanical work produces heat,' like how rubbing your hands together makes them warm. When Kako calls water, she's moving a large group of molecules at once. Making them move very quickly at a short distance (basically vibrating) produces heat which warms up the water.

    I never took chemistry, but we studied this stuff during some level or another of science. It makes sense to me, I just wasn't thinking of antayuls controlling water at a molecular level and in my mind this makes them more impressive ^_ __^ Didn't Kako say once that she stole warmth from the surrounding air to heat a cup of water?



  • @breadworldmercy453_bot, on 29 April 2015 - 03:54 PM, said in Sail (Viirelei's Cut):

    : __( Why not?

    Oh, just that the remaining chapters are going to be complicated. I am working on it, but I'm only at about 2900 new words because I keep having to rework what I've written.

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    I think the first time I read it, it was when I thought Kako must be a bit smitten.

    Well, you're not wrong about that. :>

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    Didn't Kako say once that she stole warmth from the surrounding air to heat a cup of water?

    Yeah, she doesn't have a very good understanding of how it works. All she knows is that it's harder to make hot water when it's cold outside.



  • I've just finished chapter 15. Two thoughts: 1) Do they ever find out for sure if the soldiers Kako & Nili killed were Suriel soldiers or Caladheå soldiers? If they were Suriel soldiers, how come Anwea was familiar with the farmlands around Caladheå?

    1. Tiernan was totally leading Kako on, you can't deny that he was leading her on : __D Really, he'll tell her he missed her and think she won't get the wrong idea?


  • @breadworldmercy453_bot, on 02 May 2015 - 12:51 PM, said in Sail (Viirelei's Cut):

    Do they ever find out for sure if the soldiers Kako & Nili killed were Suriel soldiers or Caladheå soldiers? If they were Suriel soldiers, how come Anwea was familiar with the farmlands around Caladheå?

    Yes, they find out eventually, but not until near the end. Kako's speculation is that Suriel's soldiers killed some Caladheå soldiers and stole their horses and armour as disguises.

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    Tiernan was totally leading Kako on, you can't deny that he was leading her on : __D Really, he'll tell her he missed her and think she won't get the wrong idea?

    He is not exactly an expert on romance or teenage girls. : >



  • @avatara_bot, on 21 April 2015 - 12:04 AM, said in Sail (Viirelei's Cut):

    "See kids, this is how you should NOT treat the people that give you first aid."

    I don't know...it certainly prevented her from having to pay anything for getting first aid :p .


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